The Wisdom of Resistance

In my last blog post, “What Grief Needs”, I wrote a bit about the importance of working gently with resistance when addressing grief.

“When grief has been unprocessed or tucked away for a long time, there is often significant resistance to feeling it. From a parts-work perspective, it is vital to spend time with these protector parts—honoring how hard they have worked to keep you safe, out of fear that the grief might swallow you whole.”

Resistance shows up in all sorts of ways and is a strategic protective mechanism our system creates to try to keep us safe. Perhaps it’s because feeling the feelings is excruciating, and there’s fear you won’t be able to handle it. Perhaps it’s because feeling and expressing emotions was not acceptable—or was even dangerous—in your childhood or family of origin. There are many reasons why protector parts show up as resistance.

Resistance might look like:

* A mental block: “I don’t want to do this.”

* Numbness or fogginess: “I don’t feel anything.”

* Stress or panic: “It’s too scary to go there.”

* Aversion: “This is dumb / pointless.”

The Myth of Getting Past It

It can be easy to believe that the “real healing” lives somewhere beyond the resistance—that the point is to push past it and feel the feeling, because that is what’s healing. Right?

I don’t think so.

I believe that tending to whatever is most present is healing. The experience of resistance is part of our wholeness and has wisdom to share. Healing doesn’t mean pushing through, bypassing, or trying to get beyond it.

From a parts-work (IFS) perspective, our protector parts exist for good reason. It’s essential to get to know them, understand them, and even seek their consent before moving beyond them. At its core, this is a trust-building process with yourself and with all the different parts of you.

In my experience working with clients, spending time with the resistance itself is often immensely beneficial.

The Wisdom of Being with What Is

I once worked with a client who wanted to address unresolved childhood grief. As an adult, she had pushed these feelings away her entire life. She had never been given the space or guidance to feel or experience them. Over time, this made it difficult for her to express any emotions. She came to me hoping that by tending to her grief, she might regain access to feeling and communicating her emotional life.

We began exactly where she was. When the idea of feeling or talking about the grief arose, she felt a rising panic in her chest. Rather than pushing past it, we stayed with that sensation.

One of my favorite practices, taught by meditation teacher and Buddhist psychologist Tara Brach, is RAIN:

R — Recognize

A — Allow

I — Investigate

N — Nurture

RAIN is a beautiful expression of self-tending. It helps build trust, secure attachment, and a sense of care with yourself and with all the different parts and expressions of who you are.

By recognizing, allowing, investigating, and nurturing the resistance, softness and flow can begin to emerge in places that usually feel hard or stuck.

We learn that even resistance can be something we care for. And by caring for the resistance, the resistance itself begins to trust our own Self leadership.

In this client’s case, something in the resistance began to soften as she made space for it and tended to it with care. She continued to explore it through art-making—drawing and painting—because the resistance felt especially alarmed by the idea of having to speak about things. Thankfully, there are many ways to express what words cannot.

By the end of the session, she felt— for the first time in a long time—the possibility that she might one day be able to gently touch the grief behind that wall of resistance.

It is a beautiful thing to witness people rediscover the possibility of healing—to find hope again in their own bodies, hearts, and minds.

And it begins exactly where you are: in the resistance, in the numbness, in the aversion, in the fear - and the care, presence, and gentleness that you can bring to all of it.

If you are seeking support around navigating the complexities of grief, anxiety, and life transitions, please check out my upcoming three month somatic coaching container The Embodied Path.